Swimming Pools and Gumballs

Mr. Wiggly wanted to go swimming today. So he thought that he might set out to go search for a swimming pool. With swimming shorts on, and beach towel in hand, he set out. He first went next door and asked his neighbor if he could swim in her pool. She said sure, but come to find out, she didn't have a pool. Stupid neighbor. So Mr. Wiggly flipped her off and set back out.

After a few hours of walking around town, still no luck with a pool, he ran into this guy at an old Italian restaurant. Let's just call him "The Beaver". Well, the Beaver came up to Mr. Wiggly and said that "The Boss" wanted to see him. Thinking this guy had a few nuts loose upstairs, he made his best Leave it to Beaver joke and started to leave. As we all know, the Beaver wasn't kidding around, so he bit off Mr. Wiggly's pinky and threw him in the back of his car. Mr. Wiggly cried like a little kid all the way to the Boss' house.

"When the Boss says he wants to see you, you see the Boss," the Beaver sternly informed.

Mr. Wiggly finally stopped his little girl screaming, and was taken into the kitchen to see this guy. He was a big guy, not a lot of muscles or anything just kinda plumpy. He was sitting at the kitchen table eating some spaghetti.

"I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Wiggly. Sorry to hear about your pinky. The Beaver doesn't take kindly to humor. Let me get to the point. I need someone like you to do me a favor. There's this kid, see, that's steppin on my gumball business. He's already knocked over three of my machines. What I need you to do is convince him that it would be in his best interest to stay away from my machines."

So Mr. Wiggly went to talk to this kid. He learned that the kid is very close to his pet bird, so Mr. Wiggly figured that would be his approach of convicing the kid to stop messing with the Boss' balls. Gumballs that is.

He sees the kid sitting on some steps leading up to some apartments, so Mr. Wiggly walks up to him.

"Hey kid, I hear you got a thing for gumballs."

"Yeah, so. What's it to you?"

Mr. Wiggly then notices that the kid's got his bird in his front shirt pocket, so he decides to take action. Without saying another word, Mr. Wiggly grabs the kid, grabs the bird out of the pocket, and pushes the kid back down on the steps.

The kid looks stunned, and before he has a chance to react to what just happened, or even say another word, Mr. Wiggly bites the head off of the bird and spits it out at the kid's feet, then throws the dead, twitching body of the bird at the kid's face.

With blood still dripping from his chin, Mr. Wiggly says, "You might want to remember this the next time you get a craving for gumballs. The Boss might not be so forgiving next time."

With that said, Mr. Wiggly left, and found a payphone a few blocks away. He called the Boss and let him know what happened. The Boss was so impressed by the job Mr. Wiggly did, he told him that he was going to be put "on the payroll" and to come back by the house next week.

Mr. Wiggly hung up, and went home. Once he was home, and got relaxed on his couch, he got really pissed off because he never found a swimming pool. So he went next door to his stupid neighbor's house and set the place on fire.

What we learned from this adventure: You shut your fucking mouth!

Back from vacation

Well, Mr. Wiggly finally got back from his vacation. He has some interesting stories to share. One day he might tell us of these tales, but as for now, he's in a coma because he slipped on some dog crap while going to get his morning paper. Damn dogs.

What we learned: Dog crap is deadly.

Super Mr. Wiggly

Mr. Wiggly was driving around town the other day, and then it occurred to him, "Hey, I'm Superman!" Well, as you can probably imagine, he was pretty excited about this. Since he had all of these superpowers now, he didn't really need his car anymore, after all, he can fly ya know. He was happy about this, because this would save him a lot of money. Gas is expensive! Sheesh! Then you have maintenance, and what if it breaks down? Stupid tow trucks. Then you have to deal with....sorry. Anyway, uh, Super Mr. Wiggly. He drove his car off a cliff. He thought it would be more fun than selling it. Tried to push it off, but for some reason his super strength didn't work. Must have had some Kryptonite somewhere in the car that he didn't know about. After all of that, he thought it was time to fight some bad guys, so he went downtown to try and find some evil do-ers. Well, he saw this one guy mugging another guy, so he ran over to the mugger and yelled, "I'm Superman!" So the mugger shot Mr. Wiggly in the head.

What we learned from this adventure: Don't try to push you car off a cliff.

The doctor's visit

Well. Mr. Wiggly went to the doctor today. Doctors told him he had lost his leg. Must've been a laundry accident they said. Looks to have happened about a month ago. This all came as a shock to Mr. Wiggly. He didn't even realize that it was missing. Unfortunately for him, he had to have lost both legs in order to receive his Missing Legs Benefits from the government. So he stuck his other leg in a wood chipper.

What we learned from this adventure: Don't always trust a doctor. Turned out Mr. Wiggly still had his leg all along. They had gotten his X-ray mixed up with another patient's X-ray. Idiots.

Day at the subway

Late one morning, Mr. Wiggly went to the subway station. Not many people know about this place, since, I guess, it doesn't really exist. Well, anyway, Mr Wiggly went there to see if there was anyway he could buy a plane ticket to Tokyo. He'd never been there before, so he thought it to be a good idea.

It took him a while to find the dang station, not existing and all, so he was already frustrated when he finally got there. He took the staircase at the back of the entrance to go down to where you purchase plane tickets to Tokyo. He was pissed to find that there was a long-ass line at the Tokyo booth. So he waited, cuz he really wanted to go there. After 5 1/2 hours of kids crying, people getting divorced, and 7 people having babies, he was ready to buy his ticket.

The guy at the booth told him they had just sold their last ticket. Mr. Wiggly was devastated! After pulling himself together from 3 minutes of sobbing, the guy asked him if he would like to go to Alabama instead.

"Alabama?!?!" Mr. Wiggly shouted, "Why the hell would I want to go to Alabama?!"

"Because," the guy at the ticket booth explained, "it's not Utah."

"Oh."

Mr. Wiggly pondered for a moment, and then, "Yes, I suppose you're right. Sure why not."

"Lovely choice Mr. Wiggly!"

So Mr. Wiggly left the subway station and went to Alabama.

What we learned from this adventure: Guy's at ticket booths suck. I mean, Alabama? Come on now!

Knowing your neighbors

One Spring day, it was, oh, about 12:35 in the afternoon, Mr. Wiggly was going around knocking on all of his neighbors doors. Why, no one knows, but he was none the less. Well, after about his 5th door of knocking on, this big burly man came to the door.

"What do you want?!?!?!?"

Obviously, Mr. Wiggly was kind of scared, I mean, who wouldn't be, right? So he pee'd in his pants. And, also quite obvious, the big burly man found this extremely funny, so he laughed at him. Laughing is not a powerful enough word to use by the amount of humor the big burly man got out of this, but I'm sure you get the idea. Well, Mr. Wiggly did not like this guy laughing at him, so he kicked him and ran away.

What we learned from this adventure: Don't pee in your pants in front of a big burly man.

Famous Mr. Wiggly

One day Mr. Wiggly was walking through the park and he came across an
acorn. He thought to him self, "Hey, this is an acorn." Well, after that day Mr. Wiggly decided that he was destine to be famous, since, as we all know,
not only finding, but knowing what an acorn is means you will become famous.
So, Mr Wiggly went to the supermarket to give out his autograph to the little people. He felt good about how he was going to remember all the small people unlike most famous people. He would grace everyone there with his autograph. So after running home (because his limo must have run out of gas somewhere on the way to pick him up) and getting his pen, he headed off to the supermarket. He stood around for a bit and no one came up to him to ask him for his autograph. He realized that everyone was intimidated by him, since he was so famous and all. So he took it upon himself to go up to people and offer it to them. He went up to a lady looking at an apple and offered her his autograph. She said no thanks, and walked away. "How dare her," Mr. Wiggly said to himself. After he calmed down over the lady's rudeness, he went up to a little girl getting a box of cereal. He asked her if she would like his autograph. "Who are you?" the little girl asked. "Why, I am the famous Mr. Wiggly!" To which she replied, "Never heard of you before." So, he killed himself.

What we learned from this adventure: Don't look at acorns.