Swimming Pools and Gumballs

Mr. Wiggly wanted to go swimming today. So he thought that he might set out to go search for a swimming pool. With swimming shorts on, and beach towel in hand, he set out. He first went next door and asked his neighbor if he could swim in her pool. She said sure, but come to find out, she didn't have a pool. Stupid neighbor. So Mr. Wiggly flipped her off and set back out.

After a few hours of walking around town, still no luck with a pool, he ran into this guy at an old Italian restaurant. Let's just call him "The Beaver". Well, the Beaver came up to Mr. Wiggly and said that "The Boss" wanted to see him. Thinking this guy had a few nuts loose upstairs, he made his best Leave it to Beaver joke and started to leave. As we all know, the Beaver wasn't kidding around, so he bit off Mr. Wiggly's pinky and threw him in the back of his car. Mr. Wiggly cried like a little kid all the way to the Boss' house.

"When the Boss says he wants to see you, you see the Boss," the Beaver sternly informed.

Mr. Wiggly finally stopped his little girl screaming, and was taken into the kitchen to see this guy. He was a big guy, not a lot of muscles or anything just kinda plumpy. He was sitting at the kitchen table eating some spaghetti.

"I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Wiggly. Sorry to hear about your pinky. The Beaver doesn't take kindly to humor. Let me get to the point. I need someone like you to do me a favor. There's this kid, see, that's steppin on my gumball business. He's already knocked over three of my machines. What I need you to do is convince him that it would be in his best interest to stay away from my machines."

So Mr. Wiggly went to talk to this kid. He learned that the kid is very close to his pet bird, so Mr. Wiggly figured that would be his approach of convicing the kid to stop messing with the Boss' balls. Gumballs that is.

He sees the kid sitting on some steps leading up to some apartments, so Mr. Wiggly walks up to him.

"Hey kid, I hear you got a thing for gumballs."

"Yeah, so. What's it to you?"

Mr. Wiggly then notices that the kid's got his bird in his front shirt pocket, so he decides to take action. Without saying another word, Mr. Wiggly grabs the kid, grabs the bird out of the pocket, and pushes the kid back down on the steps.

The kid looks stunned, and before he has a chance to react to what just happened, or even say another word, Mr. Wiggly bites the head off of the bird and spits it out at the kid's feet, then throws the dead, twitching body of the bird at the kid's face.

With blood still dripping from his chin, Mr. Wiggly says, "You might want to remember this the next time you get a craving for gumballs. The Boss might not be so forgiving next time."

With that said, Mr. Wiggly left, and found a payphone a few blocks away. He called the Boss and let him know what happened. The Boss was so impressed by the job Mr. Wiggly did, he told him that he was going to be put "on the payroll" and to come back by the house next week.

Mr. Wiggly hung up, and went home. Once he was home, and got relaxed on his couch, he got really pissed off because he never found a swimming pool. So he went next door to his stupid neighbor's house and set the place on fire.

What we learned from this adventure: You shut your fucking mouth!